***WARNING -Contains Spoilers***
Good day to you, fellow bus traveller. Which number are you on today? I, as ever, am aboard the number-4, travelling the wet highways in Southampton (it beats walking). Today I bring a message of great hope…for I have seen the future…and it’s exciting!
Yesterday, I was discussing video recorders with the wife (as you do) and we were saying how sad it is that our little bundle of joy, or Emily to give her a name, will never truly understand the fun and frustration of the VHS video recorder. She will never appreciate the “TV Tape” (the video cassette used to record programmes onto over and over until the picture and sound became too intermittent) nor will she appreciate the warm, fuzzy feeling of buying a new 5 pack of videos at Xmas time to capture those Xmas blockbusters shown on the big day and Boxing Day (I used to love tearing the plastic wrapping from a brand new blank E180 cassette, hey who shouted ‘geek’?). I still remember a neighbour who had a top-loading video recorder – it was like something out of Dr Who and seemed so much cooler than our front-loading box of tricks. Of course, there was also the annual event of using the “head cleaner” (the video cassette you poured chemical into to clean the “heads” inside the machine (not sure these were actually head-shaped as that would be a bit freaky).
It got me to thinking what other things will change in the next 20-30 years that will turn modern fare into distant memory?
So I decided to contact Nostradamus (didn’t you know? He’s still alive! And, what’s more, his future predictions were based on him travelling to the future, not just thinking about it) So I dialled his number (just type his name into your phone using the corresponding digit) and asked to borrow his time machine. The good thing is, because he’s been to the future, he had a universal translator connected to his phone so we were able to discuss at great length the purpose of my trip to the future. To cut a long story short (and because my bus will reach its destination soon) he agreed to lend it. You’ll never believe it, but he actually had a DeLorean! I know right? Unbelievable, yet true (he also claimed that the character Doc Brown was based on him!)
So I climbed in last night and headed for the year 2112. I was shocked and excited by what greeted me.
The good news is that humans are still alive (or bad news depending on your stance) and we have continued to evolve. Where to begin…
There are no longer any prisons. Instead, criminals are “re-engineered”. Basically anyone who breaks the law undergoes brain surgery and has the “criminal element” removed. It’s not a fool proof system and the occasional volunteer ends up a vegetable, but there’s only a 1 in 5000 chance of that happening so it continues. As a result, the world is a much happier place! Christmas is now officially a 3-month holiday, and only the desperate are employed to stock the supermarket shelves. There is even a law that insists David Bowie’s & Bing Crosby’s ‘Little Drummer Boy’ must be played at least daily throughout the period.
What else…oh yeah…football is now outlawed. It all started in the year 2023, when the first footballer signed the inaugural £5mil p/w contract. A rebellion started against the money men in the sport. People could no longer afford to pay £10k per game to watch. Slowly the rebellion began to grow and recruited some high profile figures. None so big as Geoff Stelling (or Lord Geoff as he is now known). Football is now a memory discussed around the occasional camp fire.
The world of writing has changed too. The independent writers movement of 2012 blossomed. As technology advanced so did creative writing. Stories are no longer written, instead they are told via a technology called dream bubbles. Basically, “readers” inject the stories directly into the creative cortex of their brains and live the story through their dreams. The desire for this technology resulted in a greater demand for stories and writers. The indie movement boomed and storytellers are now looked at in the same way as movie stars in the early 21st Century.
I make it as one such author, as do many of my other indie writing friends (yup, I looked you all up).
Cancer and the common cold have both been cured, however, the ‘man flu’ epidemic remains, blighting males twice a year on average.
And so I returned the DeLorean to Nostradamus (Nossy to his friends) and headed to bed, safe in the knowledge that one day my hard work will pay off, but pleased to be able to still watch MotD.
Oh, sorry driver, have we been stopped long? What do you mean hours? Crikey, it really does fly when you’re having fun!
Until the next time, happy reading!